Cast:

Jeremy -- as himself
Kacey -- as herself
Jeff -- Farb
Brian -- Corlette
Gurski -- Peter
Dave -- Sally
Firstyears

Act 1, mathstat (Peter, Farb, Sally, Corlette)

Corlette: Is everyone here, Peter?

Peter: I think so.

Sally: Yeah, I'm here. I can't really see Benson, but I can feel some sort of vibration off to my left...

Farb: Yes, right, so, I am here, but, yeah, see I'm a little worried about this plan, see, yes, right--

Peter: Ah, Goddamnit Benson! You signed on for this mission, and now you're going to back out?

Farb: I just don't think it's right to invade their private space like this. I mean every member of this department has a right to expect that they can leave their office locked and unattended without it being broken into and messed with. Right? I thought we all agreed on this.

Sally: Ach! That's just what we tell the peons.

Peter: He's right, Benson. The second years deserve this. They think they're better than everyone, but we can show them that they are not above being pranked themselves. Besides, do you have a better plan for getting the firstyears expelled?

Corlette: Ok, everyone. Quiet. This is the time; I can feel it. Now, go!

(all run stealthily across stage towards Woodlawn office, then stop short)

Peter: Hey, who is that?

Sally: What? Where?

Corlette: It's the firstyears. They've beat us to it!

Farb: Those sneaky little backstabbers! After I stuck up for them and was their advocate! How could they?

Peter: No, this is good. Don't you see? Our job is now easier, for our hands are clean!

Corlette: Yes, back to the Q-club!

(all but Sally run offstage)

Sally: Huh? Where'd everyone go?

Act 2, Farb's office (Jeremy, Kacey, Farb sitting, Farb continually twitching).

KC: Um, so there seems to have been some kind of retaliatory strike on the woodlawn office.

Farb: What do you mean?

Jeremy: We brought pictures - see? Look! They cleaned up Wallace's office?

[skit1.jpg]

Kacey: Then they put this chair - [skit2.jpg] - UP HERE! [skit3.jpg].

Jeremy:(crying and wailing) They destroyed our beautiful office! Peanut butter everywhere! Chairs as far and high as the eye could see! It was horrible. Oh, I can barely stand to think of it....

Kacey: (puts his arm around Jeff) It's ok. Professor Farb will take care of everything. He'll make sure the firstyears are made to sit through a mandatory meeting for this. (questioningly to Farb) Maybe even on short notice?

Farb: Oh, I think I can do better than that. Leave everything to me. You won't have reason to weep any longer.

Act 3, Tea room (Farb, Peter, Sally, Corlette adressing firstyear class)

Peter: ...and so we just want to make sure everyone understands that this is not encouraged or even acceptable behavior.

Sally: Yeah, Peter let me say something. Listen, this is a serious mathematics institution, and our goal here is to do serious mathematics. In fact, it is your job to try your best to learn to do serious research--that's why we pay you and give you that wonderful office down there. It is not your job to play midnight pranks on other members of the department. Right, Kevin?

Corlette(nodding): Yes.... I think, Benson--did you have something you wanted to say?

Farb: Yes. I just don't think you all have a sense of how serious this stuff is. I mean, it isn't just counterproductive--it's illegal. And we can't support that kind of behavior. I mean, funny or not, it just isn't appropriate. I mean, there are some people who are throwing around the idea of expulsion for the whole class. In fact--

(Farb looks around at other professors, who all nod their agreement)

Peter: --yes, it is decided. You are all expelled. We can't deal with you any more. Your unwillingness to integrate socially into the department, your inability to perform in class--I mean, I wrote my book in a certain order for a reason--, and now this. It's the last straw. Kevin?

Corlette: I think that's fair.

Sally: Now go on! Get out! (Chases firstyears menacingly from room).

(Farb, Peter, Sally, and Corlette exhchange approving looks)

Peter(Closes his eyes in ecstacy): All that grant money, all for us. Mmmm.....

(Lights out, Play over).