Ghosts of Beer Skits

Ghosts of Beer Skits Past

Players:
    Ghost -- Bremer
    Student (generic second year) -- Balduzzi
    Peter May -- Jeff
    Saunders MacLane -- Craig
    E.H.Moore -- Richard
    Innocent Bystander -- Little Dave

(Student is lying on ground, passed out, clutching a can of (say) Steel Reserve.)

Ghost: (Enters -- kicks student) Stu ... Stu ... Wake up!

Student: Urr ... I don't have any change.

Ghost: I am the Ghost of Beer Skits Past!

Student: Dude, we've got two weeks, chill out (sits up).

Ghost: No! Beer skits this year must not fail!

Student: Whatever. We get everyone sloshed, put on some sign language skits ...

Ghost: (Interrupting) That is not acceptable!

Student: Huh?

Ghost: Over the years, beer skits have been degraded by drug humor, video game jokes and avant-garde theater. This is your chance to live up to the vaunted beer skits of yore. I bequeath upon you the honor of seeing the greatest beer skit ever! In order to do so I must reverse the flow of time ...

Student: (Interrupting) Z_2 action on orientation of the Lorentzian metric?

Ghost: No, no, no. I will transport us back to ...

Student: (Interrupting) 'op' functor in quantum field theory?

Ghost: Were going to 1920, all right?

Student: Pair of pants?

Ghost: (Looks disgusted -- does 'Wayne's World' hand motions)

Student: (Joins ghost in hand motions)

(Lights dimmed -- enter bystander. Optional ragtime music. All 1920's characters wear mustashes.)

Bystander: Look, see there's old man MacLane and his young dandy Peter May.

(Enter Peter May and Saunders MacLane. Saunders is hunched over a cane and May is licking a lollipop.)

Saunders: (Cups his ear) What's that sonny? Where's the flim-flam in your jib-jaw?

Peter: Categories sure are swell, Saunders. We mathematicians need no longer be encumbered by reality. Pass the laudanum!

Saunders: Smashing! Bring out the gimp.

(Enter gimp with face mask on lead by Peter May on leash)

Bystander: Why if it isn't Eliakim Hastings Moore!

Ghost: (Laughing uncontrollably) Ha Ha! Best beer skits ever!

Ghosts of Beer Skits Future

Players:
    Ghost -- Bremer
    Student (generic second year) -- Balduzzi
    First year #1 -- Alexandra
    First year #2 -- Jeremy

(Student is lying on the floor. Ghost kicks him, etc.)

Ghost: Stu ... Stu ... Damn it!

Student: (Confused) I think the 55 comes every half hour.

Ghost: It is I, the Ghost of Beer Skits Future!

Student: Weren't you here a few skits ago?

Ghost: That was the Ghost of Beer Skits Past. I am here to show you the future.

Student: Past, future, just compactify space-time, they're all the same.

Ghost: (Aside) Smart-ass. (To Student) Stu, you have a week to write the best beer skits ever.

Student: Okay, get this: its the planet of the Mays and everyone is playing Puzzle Bobble ...

Ghost: It's been done. This is the last chance for decent beer skits. You can see for yourself ...

(Wayne's World hand motions -- lights dim -- enter two first years with mops)

#1: (Scrubbing floor) So what should we do for beer skits this year?

#2: I don't know -- as long as its not as scandalous as last year.

#1: The nudity, the harsh language ...

#2: That tall kid who kept hitting on Diane Herrmann.

#1: Beer Skits have got to change. They need to be more positive, more life-fulfilling.

#2: Well, why do they have to be beer skits?

#1: (Shrugs) I dunno.

#2: I mean, we could have Tea Skits.

#1: (Pauses) Decaffeinated Tea Skits!