Dreinfeld

Characters:

Drinfeld (Seinfeld) -- Longo
Beilinson (George) -- Gurski
Ginzburg (Krammer) -- Jeff
Corlette (Neuman) -- Smithling
Random Woman (Elaine) -- Kacey

Props needed:

Table, 4 chairs, a couple of menus, some coffee cups, an old t-shirt.

Script:

[Drinfeld and Beilinson are sitting at a table in a coffee shop. Seinfeld theme song plays.]

D: So e^x is still walking down the street because obviously he's not afraid of the derivatives, but then around the corner all the derivatives come and e^x turns pale because there it is ? his nemesis, partial d/dy.

[Drinfeld is laughing, Beilinson just looks at him and rolls his eyes. Ginzberg enters with much commotion.]

G: Hey comrade!

D: Hi Kramer.

G: You'll never guess what I just heard!

D : What?

G: The department is planning to get rid of the second language exam requirement! You know what that means, don't you?

D: What?

G: No one will ever take the Russian exam again!

D: Oh, no! This is a disaster . Who's behind this?

G: Oh, you know who?

[Corlette enters, looking unctuously about him. G, D and B, all turn and watch him. C approaches their table but does not sit.]

C: Hello, Valodia.

D: (with loathing) Hello, Corlette.

C: I suppose you're already acquainted with my little scheme for increasing efficiency and shortening graduation time in the department.

D. We'll never approve your diabolical plan.

C: Ah, but I think you will. Every man has his price, and I have friends in high places. I can see to it that all of your relatives get fine jobs at U of C - I even hear that there's an opening for a new dean of students?

[Drinfeld and Beilinson engage in heated and increasingly loud whispering.]

D: (reluctantly) Sasha wishes to know if he could also have some more of the fine American t-shirts?

C: (rubbing hands together in delight) Certainly - I even have one with me. (He hands the t-shirt to Beilinson, who smiles happily).

[A woman enters and sits down at the table, totally at ease, begins looking at a menu. The other four stare at her.]

Woman: (looks up) What?

D: Do I know you?

Woman: Sure, I'm a professor at U of C.

(More staring)

D: There aren't any woman professors at U of C .

Woman: (looks around confused) Oh? My mistake. (She exits)

C: So, can I count on your vote?

[Drinfeld and Beilinson whisper some more]

D: (defeated and bitter) Sasha says ok.

[Corlette exits. Drinfeld clenches his fist and mutters, "Corlette."]